So it begins…

So it begins…

20 November

Went in to wake up The Monkey this morning and found his teddy bear tied to the bed with black electrical tape and looking very much the worse for wear. The Monkey was still fast asleep with a very satisfied smile on his face. I knew it was a bad idea to let him download 50 Shades of Grey onto his iPad. Cultural references he said… Just wanted to see what all of the fuss was about he said… My arse!

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Me and The Monkey went to see Skyfall, the local cinema is running a load of Bond films over the next week. Nearly kicked off when the girl offered him Chunky Monkey ice cream – he doesn’t like stereotypes (when it suits him…). Rescued it with Phish Food and a large box of butter popcorn but he kept giving the girl evils all the way to the screen…

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22 November

The Monkey seems to be blaming me for the rain. I have tried explaining that I have no control over the weather, but he just wants me to ‘switch it off’… Have to find something to amuse him. Is it too early for drink?…

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To keep him happy I introduced The Monkey to the Xbox and Kinect. Great fun watching him playing Rabbids Alive & Kicking. Best bit was when he could see the Rabbid in the room with him on the TV then went mental trying to actually find it in the room. I nearly pissed myself! Although it did get less funny when he ran out and came back in with a hammer… Even though the Xbox is off now he keeps looking around the room suspiciously and will lash out if you make a sudden movement.

I hope it stops raining soon…

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23 November

There seems to be bad blood between The Monkey and next doors dog. I asked The Monkey what the problem was and he muttered something about being double crossed on a coke deal, and then told me to ‘mind my own business bitch’. Well at least he’s not flinging shit about…

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24 November

The Monkey has been on my eBay account and bid for a JCB. I really hope the bid doesn’t win…

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I’m sure The Monkey has been watching Geordie Shore… I heard drunken shouts of ‘whey-aye’ coming from the living room but when I opened the door he was watching Family Guy. Although he did have a guilty look on his face and the remote control was covered in monkey spit…

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25 November

So, got to the bottom of the Geordie Shore thing. Apparently, The Monkey thought someone had shaved a bunch of Bonobo chimps and made a documentary about them. He couldn’t watch it with me in the room because it embarrassed him so much (I think this may be a first for him). Since discovering that they are human he says he has gained new levels of contempt for our species…

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At the moment The Monkey is sitting on the back of the sofa wearing a mask made of ham – he looks strangely like Justin Bieber…

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