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Fireworks

31 December

Plans for tonight – invite everyone we like and drink and dance outrageously until broken. The Monkey has got a surprise for midnight as well. He has managed to get hold of a big bunch of Chinese fireworks (I have a feeling some of them might actually be classified as WMD’s) and he is determined to give London a run for its money – at least in terms of close up violent explosions! I have asked The Monkey several times now whether he plans to stay marginally sober in order to operate this extravaganza, but he just gives me that look and continues to twist together fuses and sip vodka… 

Happy New Year in advance.
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1 January


Well, it could have been worse… At least no one died…

The drinking and dancing reached a crescendo about 10.30pm and then just got even more insane. We started making human pyramids around 11.00pm and managed to get to the ceiling so we decided to take it into the garden so we could go higher. In all the falling bodies I didn’t see The Monkey disappear (I must admit that everything was a bit fuzzy anyway) but I think he took the chance to go and make his last minute firework preparations. Anyway, as we counted down to midnight The Monkey gave me the thumbs up from the end of the garden and I watched as he lit the first fuse with his cigar. A salvo of rockets roared skywards and lit up the night with an explosion of silver and gold. Everyone dutifully went ooh and aah and to be fair it was pretty impressive. Several more volleys of rockets went up and it looked really cool. Then he lit a row of short pipes and one after another glowing balls of light popped from the tops of them and floated lazily upwards. That’s when it all went a bit wrong. As the shiny fairy glow balls reached about twelve feet in altitude they detonated – and I mean detonated. Like mortar bombs going off in aerial bursts they went off with a blinding flash and the sound of multiple car bombs. I was temporarily blinded and disorientated and staggered into the pond along with several others. As the fuzzy glowing balls of terror continued their explosions everyone started hitting the ground and covering their heads. As my vision returned, I looked up from the pond to see The Monkey cavorting with glee and lighting another fuse. This one turned out to be more rockets and gave us chance to recover a little and scramble out of the water. People were getting to their feet and laughing nervously as they pointed to the show up in the sky. I glanced down and saw The Monkey lighting a short fat cylinder in the centre of the garden. Then I saw his eyebrows raise and him scamper up to the back of the garden and dive behind the shed. ‘Fuck’ I thought as the thing gave out a massive white flash and did a summersault, landing on its side totally in flames. I guess this was a miss fire because then it began to shoot tiny exploding stars out of what had been its top and was now facing towards the house. Panic followed as everyone dived for cover or tried to get back into the house. Then, while this was still raining fire on our guests, the mother of all rockets blasted off from the top of the shed. This was the one I would have classified as a WMD. Whether it was another faulty firework or The Monkeys tampering I don’t know but it didn’t get much higher than the roof of the house before it went boom. I went back in the pond and every car alarm in the area went off. Eventually the smoke and blindness cleared, and I could see dazed and sobbing party goers comforting each other as they patted out smoking patches on their hair and clothes. The Monkey sat on the edge of the pond with an almost ecstatic look on his face as his singed fur gently smoked. Somehow he still had his cigar clenched in his teeth. There was another sound in the background and then I realised that it was ragged applause from some of the guests (mostly those who had made it back into the house) and it gradually grew until more or less everyone had joined in and there were even some cheers. It’s amazing the response of people when they realise that they are still alive…

I have spent a good part of today explaining to the police through a hangover that it was all a big misunderstanding with some faulty fireworks and that we are not a terrorist cell…
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2 January

Quieter day today. The Monkey has spent the day with his head buried in his new Golden Dawn books in a quest for more esoteric knowledge and some sort of idea as to what is going on in the spare room. The black hole has grown a little bigger and if you go in there it can be hours before you come out, even if you think it has only been minutes. A couple of Monday night’s party goers went in there for a quickie and didn’t reappear until yesterday evening – much to everyone’s surprise.

I have been trying to get some work done, with Soundgarden as my backing track, mixed with The Monkey’s attempts at pronouncing occult phrases in weird languages…
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3 January

I pointed out to The Monkey that there has been a van parked across the road since yesterday morning. He said that he had noticed it and that it had been around for a few weeks now parking in various places along the street. That made me feel better – I thought we had picked up surveillance after the firework blitzkrieg – but The Monkey stoked my fears again by telling me that he is sure he has seen some sort of scanning equipment poking out of the side of it. As there are only trees and fields over the road they could easily get away with quite a bit without being spotted. I asked The Monkey what he thought they were after as, except for New Year’s Eve, we had kept off the radar. He just looked upwards in the direction of the spare room. I think we need to take action…
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Not quite what I had in mind by taking action. I caught The Monkey constructing an IED from some left-over fireworks and stuff from the shed which he was going to attach to the van. He begrudgingly agreed that this probably wasn’t the best course of action but said he was keeping the IED ‘just in case’. So now we are scouring through books on esoteric law, quantum physics, mythology, the Maplin catalogue and for some reason The Cat in the Hat. Think it’s going to be a long evening and that I am going to have to keep an eye on The Monkey just in case something goes boom…
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4 January

It was a long night apparently… It was about 1.00am when we had enough information together to head up to the spare room. Turns out that what I really needed to do was ask The Monkey what he had done in his rituals that had caused the black hole in the first place. Seems the first unsuccessful one had included the invoking of Tlaloc the Aztec rain god – probably why it kept raining. The second more successful one had involved the invoking of Tezcatlipoca – The Smoking Mirror – one of the Aztec gods associated with the sun. Although this bad boy was also god of the night and I think had some issues… The Monkey had mixed this with some ritual magic, peyote, blood sacrifice and chanting passages from Stephen Hawking’s ‘A Brief History of Time’. So, we came to the conclusion that if we sort of repeated the ritual but in reverse we might be able to close the black hole.

Well, we had no peyote left so we elected for a combination of dope and Red Bull – yes, we were just winging it. I got a chicken out of the fridge and we taped it to the teddy bear and with all our books and accoutrements in tow we headed into the spare room.

It was 10.00am when we finally got out. It had only seemed like an hour but like I said time does seem to distort in the spare room – although we think we now have that under control. It was all a bit fraught and everything warped and twisted into fractal plains. At one point a child with no arms and eight spider legs appeared from the black hole and proceeded to scream with the voices of ten thousand tortured souls. It really pissed The Monkey off and he smashed it in the face and forced it back into the hole. We haven’t managed to close the hole but at least it seems a little more stable…

Checked on the van when we came out and there was definitely a whole bunch of antenna and dishes poking out of its roof and all pointing in our direction. I bet they weren’t expecting that much action…
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5 January

A second van has turned up. I think they will be a bit disappointed though as the spare room has gone quite quiet. Went up there earlier and was in and out in minutes so it looks like the time distortion has calmed down.

Just found The Monkey in the living room engrossed in the Tibetan Book of the Dead, a large Jack in his little hand. I glanced at his open notebook (his spelling is improving) and was fascinated by the little sketch he had drawn of himself, then I realised that in the sketch he was sitting on a throne of human skulls. I asked him about it and he just laughed and said that it must be ‘contact Goth’ from our outing a few days ago.

I might need to keep an eye on The Monkey tonight. He wasn’t impressed by the arrival of the second van and I spotted that he was charging up his night vision goggles in the kitchen…

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