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Hostage

15 January

I came back this afternoon to find that The Monkey had taken a hostage. One of the van men had strayed away from the vehicle and The Monkey had spotted him immediately and ambushed him. We now had a young black guy tied up in the spare room and sedated. To be honest I panicked a bit, but The Monkey assured me that his victim had no idea what had happened as he had been unconscious before he had hit the floor. Next doors dog had helped to drag him into the house. After a fair bit of shouting I managed to convince The Monkey that we risked drawing too much attention to ourselves and that we should drag him back outside and hope that when he came round he thought he had had a seizure or something. Besides, he hardly looked like a bad ass spec ops agent, with his boyish face and old school Atari t shirt he looked like he would have been more at home in the student union bar. Begrudgingly The Monkey agreed and we sneaked the van man back out and left him propped against a garden wall around the corner. He will never know how close he came to being dumped into the black hole…

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16 January

Think we got away with the kidnaping. Me and The Monkey are very drunk – shhh, don’t tell anyone…

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18 January

Shit, The Monkey’s lunch time ‘mushroom’ omelette had a little bit too much of the ‘magic’ in it. Apparently, we have spent the last 11 hours in the woods. We both look like extras from Lord of the Flies…

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It’s looking increasingly likely that our road trip with the Monster Highs this weekend will be cancelled because of the snow. Although The Monkey is talking about high jacking a gritting lorry…

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19 January

Right, sat in Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem. We have hidden the stolen gritting lorry up the road for the return journey tomorrow. Picked up the hugely inappropriately dressed Monster Highs on route (I suspect they may already be dead, it’s the only way I can explain them not freezing) and spent the day driving north and spreading grit. I should have known The Monkey wasn’t joking about the high jacking. It was easier than I thought it would be, just walked in and took it from a council depot by Exeter. At least we had plenty of time to chat to the girls and find out a bit more about them other than just their sexual preferences. It seems that they had spotted us early on at the Goth club and were attracted to our auras (The Monkey gave me a sidesways look and I half expected an outburst regarding hippy new age shite but he held it in and that was when I knew that he liked them), they then told us that they had caused the confrontation with the chavs outside the club in order to get to meet us. I was quite adamant that they could have just come up and said hello as neither of us would have been offended by scantily clad, beautiful twins wanting to get to know us, but they just smiled their mysterious little smiles and changed the subject to favourite movies and, of course we got sucked into the debate.  
 
No one is sure whether the Goth do is on or not but there is talk of a party at someone’s house so it shouldn’t be a total wasted journey…

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20 January

On a train somewhere by Bristol. We had to abandon the gritter where we had left it because of the police checking it out. So, the four of us jumped a train to Birmingham and now we are on the second leg of the journey to get back to the car in Exeter.

The party was amusing. It was hosted by a local pagan group and there were a variety of alternative belief systems on show all vying to be the badest/most outrageous/scariest. Mostly total wankers with the exception of one or two who didn’t take themselves too seriously. They were all over us (I think being new blood) but soon started to give us a wide birth. The Monkey has more genuine chaos in his middle finger than that whole bunch put together and the Monster Highs are actually quite scary if they don’t like you. I am more and more convinced that they have been dead for quite some time but don’t want to lay down. I asked The Monkey what he thought, and he grinned and said ’Fine by me’, and strangely it seems to be fine by me as well. So we took over one end of the living room and had our own little party. It’s funny how all these radical ‘do what thou wilt’ types get all precious when you start getting nasty on their turf and not giving them the attention they think they deserve. We left in the end and found a Premier Inn and continued our party there but not until The Monkey had threatened someone with a taser and the Monster Highs had bitten three people.

Going to be a long journey home I think. The drugs are wearing off, we have run out of Jack and the coffee is shite… 

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