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Nerds!

18 February

We broke into the house at about 2am. I had asked The Monkey about the alarm system but when we got the back door he shone his torch through the window and we could see that the boxes were still on the floor. The window was shut this time but not latched and The Monkey slipped the blade of his combat knife into the gap and popped the window open and was quickly inside and opening the door for me. We checked the living room, but it was empty apart from beer cans and a pizza box so, with The Monkey taking the lead, we slowly climbed the stairs. At the top he signalled me to stop and pointed to one of the bedrooms. I could hear people talking and see a glow coming from under the door. The Monkey quickly checked the other bedrooms and the bathroom and indicated that they were all in the one room. The door opened and a man began to come through, half turning as he continued his conversation with whoever else was in the room, he didn’t see us until it was way too late. The Monkey tasered him and he dropped like a sack of shit and then we were in the room and The Monkey had his Glock pointed at the second man as I knelt on the chest of the first to keep him down while pointing the Sig Sauer P320, that one of the home invaders last night had dropped, at his face.

The second guy went about as white as it is possible to go without turning into a snowman and started gibbering. The Monkey told him to shut the fuck up and to get on his knees on the floor. Then I dragged the first one over to the wall and cable tied his hands and feet and then did the same to the other one. As we stood waiting for number one to come round I looked around the room at the computer equipment and monitors. Something didn’t quite seem right. Although there was a fair bit of kit none of it seemed massively high end and a couple of the laptops had game stickers on them. Now both were conscious The Monkey started to question them. He asked who they worked for and if there were any more armed men who might come to the house. Both bound men looked at him in total confusion and abject fear. He took out his knife again and was advancing on them when I stopped him and asked if I could have a go at questioning them. He shrugged and sat on a swivel chair and picked his nails with the knife point, glaring at the two men. I squatted down beside them and asked what their names were. Kev and Tony came the answer. I asked why they had broken into our house and sent armed men in there. They both looked horrified and frantically denied doing anything of the sort. So, I asked them why they were monitoring our house and then the story came out.

It seems that they were three mates who were into ghost hunting and the paranormal. They had come to the village because of news reports about a big black cat that had been spotted in the fields opposite our house. When they had finished their fruitless search of the fields they had gone back to their van and found that their electromagnetic field detector had been left switched on and was going bonkers. They identified that the disturbance was coming from our house and decided to do some investigating. So, they went off and kitted out their van with whatever they could (mainly brought at an electrical wholesaler and cobbled together) and then parked over the road and began to monitor the disturbance. I asked them where the third member of the group was and they said that he had had some sort of fit and woken up around the corner in a pool of his own vomit. After that he had been really freaked out and had gone home to his parents (I glanced at The Monkey and wondered exactly what he had sedated the man with). After their van had been vandalised, they decided to rent the house so that they could stay there. I asked them who employed them and they said that they were all computer programmers who did freelance work writing apps and game stuff and that paid for them to be able to follow their all-consuming interest in the paranormal.

Nerds! We were being stalked by nerds! What about the stuff in the loft? They said that the dishes were to amplify the EMF detectors range and were for a bunch of other experimental measuring devices they had invented. So, what about the one pointed upwards? They both looked guilty and said that they had been stealing satellite TV – mainly football and European porn it seemed. I sat back a bit stunned, then I took The Monkey downstairs for a chat. It was obvious that he had misinterpreted the technical equipment and he begrudgingly accepted that. I suggested that we could use the nerds to do some research on the black hole for us and it might be to our advantage to have someone watching the house as we still had no idea who the armed men were. We argued for quite a while – The Monkey still wanted to execute them both, I think because he felt a bit silly for misreading their equipment. Eventually I calmed him down and we went back upstairs. 

The nerds looked pathetic. They had obviously overheard some of our argument and were shitting themselves in case the Monkey really decided to kill them. We cut them loose and told them that we would like them to research the black hole for us, as long as they said nothing to anyone else. The Monkey went to great lengths to explain to them that he would find them and kill them in horrible ways if they crossed us and they nodded until I thought their heads would fall off. Then they were pathetically grateful to us for the chance to study the black hole and they only stopped short of hugging us when The Monkey drew his Glock again.

So, we have adopted some nerds. They are coming over tomorrow to begin their research but right now we are back at the caravan site and after some shut eye we will drive back home this evening to complete our alibi. We still don’t know who the men that broke in were. I think I need to ask The Monkey some more questions when we get home… 

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19 February

Kev and Tony – the nerds – came round this afternoon. Now we have seen them in daylight, not with torches shone in their eyes and begging for their lives, it is obvious that they are not threatening at all. Kev has shoulder length mousey brown hair and is quite rangy like someone who cycles or runs a lot, although I suspect it may be genetic as he doesn’t look that coordinated. Tony, on the other hand is shorter, with dark curly hair, a straggly goatee, glasses, and is a bit chubby. They couldn’t wait to see the black hole. In fact, they are still here. They have been more or less orgasmic about it and I think they are as grateful for being allowed access to it as they are at not being brutally murdered by The Monkey. No accounting for people’s priorities really are there…

They reckon that it is not a black hole as such but a portal to a different dimension and a massive argument developed between them which involved references to Star Trek, Stargate, Quantum Leap, Adventure Time and several other TV shows. It got very heated and The Monkey threatened to tase them or worse if they didn’t stop. They then said that there had been a massive surge of activity on Saturday night and we explained that had been the three bodies going into it. They were surprisingly okay with it and me and The Monkey think that they are living this whole thing like it’s one of their TV shows – whatever gets ‘em through the night. 

On the subject of our armed attackers the only real clue that we have is that the one who called The Monkey ‘Monkey God’ had used a Cambodian term. The Monkey is convinced that they were looking for something but not the black hole. He thinks that if it was them who broke in before, they must have thought that whatever it was they were searching for was in the spare room because it was securely locked. The Monkey is going to have a think.

In the meantime we have got a take away curry and some beers and when The Monkey has finished cross referencing his latest shipping forecast notes we are going to pry the nerds away from the black hole/portal thingy and make sure everything is cool between us. I know The Monkey has reservations but even he can see the sense in having some dedicated dweebs doing the science for us…

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20 February

The Monkey has been going through the few possessions he had when he came to me. They were all in a little leather satchel type bag and consisted mainly of trinkets he had picked up in various ports and a knife. The only other thing was a small bundle wrapped in oil cloth and tied with a red, braided cord. The Monkey said that he had owned the bundle as long as he could remember and thinks he opened it a long time ago but wasn’t interested in the contents. We laid the bundle on the table and after much fiddling undid the cord. Inside the oil cloth were fourteen narrow sticks, a bit like ice lolly sticks, honey brown in colour and marked with tiny writing and symbols and at each end of each stick was a symbol. No two sticks carried the same symbol at each end although the symbol at one end of a stick was repeated on the end of a different stick. I said that they looked a bit like I Ching sticks used for divination but that they would be impossible to read without knowing what the writing and symbols meant. We checked the inside/outside and strap of the bag and there was nothing there, so we went back over the contents of the bag again and the sticks were still the only things of any interest.

We are now drinking Jack and The Monkey is smoking a cigar as we look through a couple of heavy books on occult symbols and scour the web for anything that might resemble the writing. He had a few messages from ‘Snakebite’ which had stacked up while we had been otherwise engaged and he scowled a bit as he was reading them. I asked if everything was okay and he said that he didn’t like how much probing his internet chat buddy was doing, so he just made a few off-colour remarks and then quit out of the message board. 

The nerds, wearing what I can only describe as Ghost Buster boiler suits, are trying to construct a measuring device that they could lower into the black hole. So far they have had a massive electric shock and attracted the attention of some sort of flying tentacle thing that tried to drag them through the hole. They are game I will say that for them, and it is giving us a good laugh…

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21 February

Relaxed day today after all the stress of the last few days. The Monkey decided that he was going to teach me to shoot so we went up to the woods with his Glock and my Sig and shot some stuff. A lot easier than I thought it would be except for the first couple of times when I didn’t pull the slide back properly to chamber a round and managed to cause a jam. After that (and the general abuse that came with it) I was hitting targets all the time. I think The Monkey was impressed but of course wasn’t going to show it.

After a morning of killing beer cans we found a pub and killed some more beer as well as some pasties. The Monkey had the pendant with him and thinks that it, or at least the image of him on it, has something to do with what is going on. Obviously, the armed men who broke in were not after the pendant because the first time they did so we didn’t even have it. He wants to go back to the occult shop where we got it and ask the owner exactly who he brought it from, he also thinks we should show the owner the fourteen lolly sticks in case he has seen anything like them before.

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22 February

Back to Boscastle today and the occult shop. We got there early, and the owner wasn’t there so we had to go and find something to do while we waited. So, the Museum of Witchcraft beckoned, and we killed an hour in there. Some interesting stuff and certainly not twee and New Age. In fact some of it was totally full on. We even thought we might find something that looked like the lolly sticks but that would have been too good to be true. Had to stop The Monkey from stealing a few choice items though. He was quite prepared to smash the display cases to get at them and then make a break for it but I told him that if he did that we would have to do runner from Boscastle before we had talked to the occult shop owner. Sense prevailed and we left the museum but I am sure there were some muttered promises to return under his breath.

Back in the occult shop the owner was standing by the counter and we introduced ourselves and enquired if we could ask him about a few things. He led us into a back room, and we sat at a small table while The Monkey fired off questions. As we were told before the pendant was part of a private collection brought at auction in Tiverton. The collection had come from a large country house on the edge of Dartmoor and apparently was sold by the widow of the collector. The shop’s owner didn’t know much more, and he kept eyeing The Monkey with something approaching awe. He gave us a business card with the address of the auction house and said that they should be able to supply us with more information about the seller even though it had been some time ago. Then we asked him if he had ever seen anything like the lolly sticks before. He unwrapped them and had a good look, but he too was at a loss as to their purpose. Like me he thought they might be some sort of divination tool but said he had never seen the symbols before or, in fact, anything quite like them. We thanked him and as we left the shop he asked The Monkey if that really was his face on the pendant. The Monkey just jammed a cigar between his teeth and left the shop, I shrugged and thanked the owner again before following The Monkey.

The Monkey wanted to head straight off to the auction house but the opening times were on the back of the card and it wouldn’t be open again until Tuesday so we made do with a trip to the pub…

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23 February

The Monster Highs turned up this morning. Seems The Monkey had given them our address in case they fancied partying. Fair enough. The nerds were here as usual, and I more or less had to pick their jaws up off the floor. I know the girls wear skimpy clothes, but I thought the nerds might faint as all the blood seemed to go straight to their dicks.

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Spent most of the day in bed, although I did get to ask The Monkey how his shipping forecast conspiracy theory was going and he said that it was bloody stupid and he didn’t want to talk about it. I think one of the girls had asked him about it and pointed out the logical inconsistencies in his theory. He didn’t smash anything up in a tantrum – it’s nice to have females around… 

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The nerds have come back with their electromagnetic testing thingy. Apparently, it is going mental and most of the paranormal action seems to be centred around the Monster Highs. I think it is time to explain that they are not strictly alive in the conventional sense of the word…

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24 February

Didn’t go completely to plan…

We were trying to explain to the nerds what the Monster Highs were when we realised that we actually didn’t know. So, we asked them to explain. Turns out they are ghouls which means they are somewhere between living and dead, and they feast upon the flesh of the newly dead. Yum. They can also see things in the living world and the spirit world. That little explanation completely freaked out the nerds (too much Walking Dead I think) and they had to go home. Still think the girls are hot though, although obviously not in the warm to the touch sense. I think that all this time with The Monkey has somewhat warped my idea of normal.

The girls said that they had a confession to make and admitted that they knew we would be at the club that first night we met. How? Something about a glitch in the Matrix or ripple in the Force or some such other weirdness. Anyhow, they knew we would be there and wanted to get reacquainted. Yep, the use of the word ‘reacquainted’ made us both sit up and take notice. They explained that we have known them before – a very long time ago – and that they have been waiting for us to reappear. I told them that, to be honest, if I had ever seen them before it would have been branded into my brain for no other reason than they are so damn sexy, but The Monkey just looked at me and said ‘They mean another life.’ I tried to get more details out of them but there was an increase in the hum coming from the spare room and the girls asked if they could go and have a look. So that’s where they are while me and The Monkey sit drinking JD and try to make sense of this latest bit of information…    

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The girls went home this morning, but they spent a couple of hours sitting and staring into the black hole last night. I asked them what they saw and they both said at exactly the same time ‘Infinity’. We asked them about the lolly sticks as well in case they had ever seen their like before, but they said they hadn’t although they said that they had an interesting glow that extended into the spirit world. I also tried again to get further details about this ‘known them before in a previous life’ bombshell but I just got cryptic smiles and French kisses then I watched them drive off in their red Lancia Delta with the very heavily tinted windows. 

The nerds came back round this afternoon and apologised for being rude, but it really was the first time they had come face to face with any overtly supernatural beings. We told them it was cool and that the Monster Highs hadn’t taken offence – they would have known if they had – then they went back up to the spare room with their latest monitoring device and tried to get some readings while not killing themselves…

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