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Occasional Rain – Moderate or Poor

11 February

Well, had a brief chat with the divorced woman a few doors up and happened to mention that we would be going away for the weekend. I know she likes to gossip so that should do the rounds nicely amongst the neighbours. The Monkey has been ‘feeding’ the black hole as well – just throwing random objects into it really. Seems to be working though as it has started a sort of low-level throbbing that you can just about feel if you go into the room. He thinks that by the weekend the van men won’t be able to contain themselves…


Came in to find The Monkey staring at the radio. He was listening to the shipping forecast on Radio 4 and he is convinced that they are giving out secret massages. I did my best to explain that it was just a weather and sea conditions forecast for fishermen but he looked at me as if I were some naïve fool and said that he would be listening carefully from now on, and taking notes. Why me?


13 February

The Monkey says that next doors dog overheard his owners talking to the divorced woman and she told them that we were going away for the weekend. She also said that she had been chatting with one of ‘the new men in the rented house’ which is great because she could easily have let slip that we are off somewhere. Oh, and apparently she thinks they are a pair of ‘poofs’ based upon the fact that they are two men living together. I have no idea what she must think of us then!

Spent a good part of today being taught capture and restraint techniques by The Monkey. He may not be very big, but he is very strong. I will have some bruises from that. He also took me through the use of night vision goggles this evening. We ended up running around the house pretending to be in Silence of the Lambs. Very funny…


14 February

Went to a military surplus store called ‘The Bunker’ today because The Monkey didn’t think I had enough black combat gear. He was right – I didn’t have any! Now I am the proud (?) owner of black combat trousers, a black combat smock, a black tactical vest with more pockets than anything has got the right to possess and some combat boots. I asked The Monkey if all this was strictly necessary and he said that it was going to be dark and it was going to get a bit fighty – so yes, it was necessary. He gave a knowing look to the bloke behind the counter who nodded in agreement and mumbled something about ‘getting some’ and then he and The Monkey shared a look that said they had been there, wherever ‘there’ was.

Because it was so sunny we spent the afternoon in the back garden sharpening knives. Fortunately, we aren’t overlooked by anyone other than our direct neighbours, and they were at work. After a while I asked The Monkey if the knives were going to be necessary and he gave me a despairing look and without a word took out his Glock 17 and started cleaning that. I am not a coward and I certainly don’t mind a punch up but fucking hell this is going to get messy… 


There is now a notebook and frantic scribbling involved in the mid-day shipping forecast. I get shushed at if I try to say anything as The Monkey frantically writes down every Biscay, Cromarty, Dogger and occasional rain – moderate or poor. I have even shown him a map of the fishing areas but to no avail, so I am leaving him to it as he compares his daily notes and highlights sections with a knowing look on his little furry chops…


15 February

So it’s started then. We have left the house with bags packed and as much noise as possible and have driven about ten miles away to a caravan site owned by a friend. We will hang around here until it gets dark and then drive back in a borrowed car and sneak back into the house. Then the waiting begins…  


16 February

Long boring night. We got back about 23.00 and left the car a couple of roads away from the house. We then sneaked in via the passage at the back of the houses and then through the garden. Next doors dog was waiting by the fence and The Monkey had a quick word as I opened the back door. The dog said that no one had been round and that he would do his best to bark a warning if they showed up.

We settled in to wait in The Monkey’s room which is at the back of the house. The Monkey thinks they will come in through the garden and back door rather than the front of the house, but we took turns to check on the front every now and then. At some point I fell asleep and woke up as the grey light of dawn was filtering in through the window to find the cat curled up on my lap and The Monkey still sitting by the window – he wasn’t impressed with my inability to stay awake…


Little bastard! I have just seen myself in the mirror. While I was asleep The Monkey drew a monocle and a cock on my face with a sharpie and my combat blacks are covered in white cat hair. He thinks it’s hilarious but says I need to stay awake tonight. Fucker…


17 February

Couldn’t wash my face as The Monkey doesn’t want us to run the taps as someone might notice the water going down the drain. Sharpie doesn’t come off with wet wipes… Got most of the cat fur off with the sticky side of the gaffa tape – I know you don’t get extra points for looking smart as you beat people but somehow it takes the edge off my ‘inner warrior’ to be covered in fluff!

We spent the day avoiding going near the windows and eating the ‘rations’ that didn’t need cooking. Then we got some sleep to be ready for tonight.

It’s a cloudless night out with a crescent moon and we are sat by the window again. Wait, next doors dog just barked – this could be it…  

Holy crap! That wasn’t at all what I was expecting…

The Monkey hid in the spare room and left the door slightly open while I hid in my bedroom opposite. I was straining to listen for sounds and wasn’t sure if I could hear anything or whether it was just the blood thumping in my head. Then I heard footsteps on the stairs, and I griped the extendable baton that The Monkey had given me and got ready. Three figures came into view on the landing, the night vision goggles turning everything green. I wasn’t expecting three and I had no way of warning The Monkey so just decided to go in as hard as possible. The figures stopped at the spare room door and looked at each other briefly before pushing it slowly open. As they filed in I could see that they were armed – bollocks. Suddenly The Monkey dropped down from above the door and I saw a bright flash as he used the taser on the first man. I leapt out to get the last one going through the door but he span around with amazing speed and punched me in the face sending me back against my bedroom door frame. My night vision goggles flew off and I was left dazed and blind as a kick hit me across my right arm. I think what saved me was the drawings on my face. My attacker switched on a torch and pointed it in my face. I heard a grunt of surprise – he obviously wasn’t expecting to see a badly drawn monocle and cock – and in that split second I reflexively kicked him in the balls. He sagged down and I swung my numb right arm at him and connected across his face with the baton. He fell backwards onto his arse and I heard a dull ‘phut’ sound and the middle of the three fell backwards onto the one I had just put down.

The Monkey turned on a torch and I could see that the one who had just fallen out of the spare room had a neat hole in his head just above his left eye. I looked at The Monkey and couldn’t say anything. He just gave me a ‘Well what did you think was going to happen?’ look and told me to help him pull the body into the spare room. When I was inside I looked around for the first guy but he was nowhere to be seen. I looked at The Monkey and he nodded at the black hole that was pulsing rapidly. I guess a look of horror must have crossed my face then and The Monkey just told me to help him throw this body into it and not to be a pussy. I was acting on autopilot and did as he asked watching with fascination as the vortex sucked the body into oblivion. Then The Monkey turned his attention to the third man who was beginning to come round. We dragged him into the room and shut the door then The Monkey slapped him across the face and told him to get to his knees. As the man got up it was clear that, like the second man he was oriental, possible Japanese. The Monkey stood in front of him in the shadows and pointed the gun at his face then asked him who he worked for and why they were so interested in the black hole. The man just spat on the floor and glared and the gun. I shone my torch across them both and for the first time the man really saw The Monkey. He recoiled as if he had been hit again and pointed a trembling finger before screaming something in a language I didn’t understand and pitching himself sideways into the vortex of the black hole. I stood in stunned silence as The Monkey lowered his gun. I asked what the man had screamed, and The Monkey looked into the black hole and said ‘He called me the Monkey God’…


Had a debrief with The Monkey. We don’t think any of those three were the van men which means the van men must still be in their house. The fact that our intruders were carrying weapons (even though they didn’t get chance to use them) and the fact that one of them willingly threw himself into the black hole points to a more hard core intent than we have seen from the van men. And what the hell was that ‘Monkey God’ business?

We have to go into the van men’s house. The Monkey wanted to go straight away but the adrenalin dump fucked me up and I persuaded him to wait until tonight. There might be more armed men in there and apart from that The Monkey was incredibly angry and I think it would have just been a blood bath. So now we are sitting in our loft room watching their house through the velux window and I am trying to reconcile the fact that three men died with the fact that they might have killed us. The Monkey is eating Peperami…

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. hairy females

    I quite like reading a post that can make men and women think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment! Ailyn Joaquin Dorree

    1. Andy Darby

      I am glad you enjoyed it, there is so much more to come!

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