Space Conkers

Space Conkers

17 June

That helped! The Russian tech messed with whatever is being beamed at us and for the first time in a week we all got a decent night’s sleep. We aren’t going to be able to keep the tech forever and to be honest we need to find out who is zapping us and where it is coming from so that we can end it – and them.

The Nerds have begun a project – capture the signal and track its source. There are oscilloscopes set up in the loft and one of the Nerds’ satellite dishes has been commandeered to collect and amplify anything incoming. Looks like a bad 1950s science fiction movie set up there, just needs some women with ridiculously pointed bras and giant beehive hairdos.

The Monkey has been in touch with the Green and Red again about the black hole. They have been plotting the possible permutations for the black hole based on various star charts, readings of the I Ching, and a lot of intelligent guess work. We know that the hole opens up to various power centres on the planet but at the moment there seems to be no logic to it. They speculate that the reason we will find our enemies (and maybe our friends) there is that they will be attracted to these spots because of the power emanating from them – whether they know it or not. But most of them will know it and will be looking to exploit it. The Mao Shan sorcerers reckon that the cosmic wheels are aligning again and that very soon the black hole will open up to a different location…

18 June

Another decent night’s sleep had by all.

The Nerds have been scratching their heads over the incoming signal they have isolated. General consensus amongst them had been that it would be coming from somewhere quite nearby, possibly the airbase, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. They think now that it is coming from a satellite but it would have to be a satellite in geostationary orbit and the implications of that are quite scary – there would have to be some serious, serious players involved to get a satellite tasked just to fuck with us! But we know that the Illuminati are serious players, so maybe Arno Whitaker is searching for us again.

The Monkey has started to ask questions about how we bring down a satellite and I definitely heard the word laser used with absolutely no irony. The Nerds do seem to think that it is more likely that they can scramble the signal and cause it to shut down – The Monkey’s disappointment is palpable and he says that the Nerds aren’t trying hard enough. I foresee more drinking, smoking and arguing…

Following some late-night whiteboard scribbling the Nerds are now elbow deep in the NASA intranet and hunting for another satellite to play space conkers with, the premise being that if you can reroute an orbiting satellite and make it crash into the geostationary one then bye bye nasty mind fuck signal.

The Monkey on the other hand is scouring the internet for an industrial laser and has also found instructions for making a home-made railgun – he is obsessed. I am leaving them all to it and hitting the Jack…

20 June

Kessler syndrome – who would have thought?

We have been warned by an astrophysics contact of the Nerds (he had an email screaming fit when they asked his advice) about the possible implications of crashing one satellite into another. Seems there is something called Kessler syndrome which basically means that if we smash stuff together in Earth’s orbit it could have a knock-on effect that causes all the other stuff floating about up there to bash into each other causing such a car wreck around the planet that all other satellites and any space travel will be bolloxed. That perked The Monkey up, he would be up for a bit of orbital Armageddon, he thinks it might level the playing field…

*

The Monkey has stolen Dave from the Nerds to work with him on his railgun project. He also has me carrying heavy things. He has gone off the laser idea for the moment as the components and power required are a bit out there, but the railgun seems to be more of a possibility. If the thing can be built it could theoretically blow a neat hole through the offending satellite putting it out of action without smashing it to bits. The aiming would be the interesting part but the Nerds all agree that it should be possible to get a lock on it in the same way they would if they were going to crash it by using a back door through NASA’s own tracking system.

Just finished carrying large coils of wire up to the loft. Dave has decided that a coil gun might be easier and more efficient. He has been online ordering infrared sensors and other stuff. The Monkey doesn’t care as long as it’s destructive. I have a feeling that next quarter’s electricity bill is going to be massive…

22 June

The monkey pendant has started to glow again…

The black hole has started spinning and flickering with purple lightning, and The Monkey has blown a massive hole in a caravan standing in a field about two miles away with a small version of the coil gun. Things are happening…

23 June

There is now a vista of mountains and sea visible through the black hole. Tony dropped a little GPS tracker through, and we gathered round the laptop screen to see where it had landed. From the view I would have said Scotland and I would have been right. Seems our latest doorway leads to a mountainside in the far north west of Scotland. Why? How the fuck do I know?

The Nerds are wondering whether they can send a drone with a GoPro on board through the hole. They think it should be possible to steer it from this side of the hole and if not, we just lose a toy or two. The Monkey is online ordering OS maps of the area.

The Green and Red Society have asked us to hold off doing anything crazy with the satellite as they think they might be able to get a Chinese satellite assigned to deal with it. They are more than a little concerned about the prospect of the Kessler syndrome if it all gets a bit out of hand – I don’t know where they get that idea from…

Leave a Reply