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When the wind blows high, and the wind blows low

12 August

We have rented some scuba gear from a dive school in Padstow. Took us ages to fight through the coach parties and OAPs to find a parking space, I had forgotten how busy Padstow gets, especially in the summer. We would never normally go this route, but we didn’t think we could impose on the Russians again after losing the last lot of kit. The Monkey still owes them a favour.

We also went to see an acquaintance who makes armour and weapons for medieval reenactors and asked him for a suitable shaft and fittings for a spear. We came away with a six-foot spear shaft and a bunch of iron rivets and some basic instructions on how to attach a spear or poleaxe head securely. We also came away with a war hammer which took The Monkey’s fancy…

We will go through the black hole again tomorrow for hopefully a last look at the U-boat and we will be taking the spear with us.

14 August

We got medieval on their asses…

Through at dawn and raced on the bikes down to the beach. The girls stationed themselves around the black hole and set up their disruption thingy to give us a fighting chance on the way back. The Monkey said I should carry the spear as it was too big for him to handle comfortably; he slung his new war hammer over his back.

At the beach Kev and Tony dug themselves in with the AA-12s and we scrambled into the scuba gear and waded out into the mild swell. The Russians’ dive gear was conspicuous by its absence and we decided it would be a good idea to play it safe going into the U-boat. Fucking good job we did. The Monkey’s laser sharp eyesight picked up, well I don’t know what it picked up – maybe it was just instinct – but he balanced the stuff sack he was carrying on the edge of the conning tower hatch and we retreated back to the shore line. He waved Tony over and using his Glock he shot the sack so it fell over into the tower. Boom! Bye, bye U-boat.

We picked ourselves up off the sand and looked at the smoking debris that jutted out of the waves like some mangled shark jaws. It was obvious that we weren’t going to get anything from the sub because it was now blown to bits and anything that had been left would have been stripped out by our friends or vaporised.

Now we needed to run. We quickly got the scuba gear off while the Nerds kept lookout and then we gunned the bikes and tore up the cliff path. At the top it was all a bit shit…

Another Apache hovered in the centre of the valley above the loch and we could see men on foot fanned out along the hillsides, plus there were at least three armoured support vehicles. The Nerds looked over at us and The Monkey just said, ‘Well, no chance for subtlety now,’ and he laughed his best crazy laugh, and we belted down towards the valley floor. The Nerds bless ‘em, must have been absolutely shitting themselves but they joined in the charge without hesitation and as the adrenalin kicked in, they began to shout their own war cries. We were spotted immediately by everyone, but no hail of death came from the Apache and it was obvious that the girls’ voodoo was messing with the choppers systems.

‘Use the spear!’ The Monkey shouted in my ear, so I skidded the bike to a halt and just hefted the spear and threw it. I had no idea what would happen, in fact none of us had yet thrown the thing. Well – that was a revelation. It seemed to come to life and it literally tore out of my hand and screamed (really screamed) through the air and went straight through the Apache as if it was paper. We all looked at each other and I think we all went, ‘Fucking hell!’ at the same moment. Then the spear came screaming back like some big, pointy boomerang and I found myself laughing like a mental thing. The Apache smashed down into the loch and everything got red…

The Monkey burned and ran amongst the soldiers with his H&K in one hand and war hammer in the other. The Nerds stood back-to-back and fired the AA-12s until the barrels glowed. And me, I threw the spear, caught the spear and threw it again – blood and bodies. Amongst all this, the armoured vehicles began to explode and afterwards we realised that Dave on the other side of the black hole was racking up points with the coil gun. And sweeping down the mountainside came the Monster Highs, their hair blowing in some otherworldly gale and their eyes burning like fireballs as they tore apart those who couldn’t run quickly enough.

The hired guns fought back though, and I saw Kev go down with a bullet through his leg and I felt a burning pain as a bullet grazed my shoulder. But by then it was too late, and the berserk rage was upon all of us, and the survivors threw down their weapons and ran. We got back on the bikes and rode up to meet the girls. They kept their distance from the spear which seemed to have a mist of blood around it and together we retreated to the black hole. I looked over my shoulder and the valley was stained red, and smouldering craters marked the end of the armoured vehicles. As I watched, two crew from the Apache crawled from the loch and collapsed on the bank. We got everyone back through and collapsed ourselves.

Kev is being looked after by the Russians’ medic. Couldn’t really take him to A&E with a high velocity bullet wound – questions may well have been asked. My wound is only a scratch. After cleaning and gluing it just aches a bit – oh well, another scar… The adrenalin dump was massive though – left all us mortals feeling like we had run a marathon and badly needing sleep. Tony asked if we had seen the figures up at the cromlech above the black hole, none of us had, but he is convinced that one of them was Whitaker with some massive goons in tow, and another, ragged looking figure who was capering about as if he was at some private rave party. The Prof looks horrified, he helped us clean up, but he hasn’t said much, this was his first sight of combat – I remember what that was like…

15 August

The Green and Red Society picked up a message that was basically being beamed out on some sort of emergency channel that would only be picked up by anyone monitoring those channels. It was from our friend Arno Whitaker and went as follows:

‘This is a message for the monkey and his friends. Sorry you didn’t get caught in our little surprise, it would have saved so many problems, but there you go. Anyway, we have the cauldron. Surprised? Guess you didn’t look hard enough did you? And the mess you made of our men? Well, it has given us a chance to try out the cauldron – I’ll let you know how that goes – very soon. Bye, bye for now.’

Mutha fucker…

18 August

Been laying low and licking our wounds. Kev is still with the Russians. His wound was nasty enough to warrant a stay in their sick bay but they reckon he should be okay. The black hole has gone black again so no more views of Scotland. Where will it take us next? – haven’t got a clue. The Monkey has hung the pendant up in the living room so that if it starts glowing again we will get a heads up that the black hole is realigning.

Pissed down all day yesterday so we stayed in, got very drunk and played Just Dance on the Xbox – hilarious, and predictably, quite violent. Today the sun is shining so I think the beach may be in order. The Prof is still struggling with the amount of death and carnage he witnessed through the black hole and is saying he might go back to Bristol, for a while at least. Think he has finally realised that it is not just an intellectual exercise, and I think that the crazed looks on our faces when we came back coupled with the insane laughter may have just tipped the balance…

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